30 Years by Jason Melvin
since you died
I struggled
as a kid would
found writing
it helped
Mom stayed strong
did her best
she remarried
nice guy
awkward for a while
provided
did his best
I met a girl at 16
bagging groceries
we fucked like rabbits
anywhere and everywhere
at 18
Inevitability
baby rabbits
Baby boy came out
eyes open
no crying
just looking at me
just his head out
Fatherhood
a sudden reality
so soon
after losing my own
way too young
but we made it work
I fell in love
on a non-descript day
in September
just watching her smile
no shotgun
Baby boy was the ring bearer
Her beautiful blue eyes
glimmered
in her white dress
At the wedding
your replacement stood with me
in the back room
waiting
said you’d be proud of me
I’ll always love him for that
I wasn’t too happy at the time
trying so hard to hold it together
wishing you were there
I held
then your brother Mike
after the wedding
said you’d be proud of me
couldn’t hold it any longer
He held me while
I sobbed
did college
community
Filmmaking as I called it
High Tech Communications
as they called it
got the paper
never used it
got a job
never wanted it
still have it
provides
Baby boy was easy
talked about you
as if he knew you
grew up fast
23 now
his own man
Me at 23
he was 4
And you were gone 12 years
more time on earth
without you
then with you
Boy number 2
reminds me most of me
quiet
I could never see his future
off to college soon
I’ll miss his laugh
Baby girl
number 3
to describe her beauty
would be a lie
artist at heart
13 now
We laugh together
five of us
never together
without laughter
how it must have been for you
knowing you were leaving us
sick for so long
I often wondered why you fought
now I know
I coach soccer
played a little in high school
all three kids play
so much joy
making memories
I am in
Father’s Day passed
I visited for the first time
in a long time
I never feel you there
just a name on a stone
30 years and change has passed
I’m sitting on the back patio
listening to the birds
morning’s quiet otherwise
remnants of the recent 4th party
still scattered about the yard
I wish you could meet them
I wonder how life would be
if you were here
I know they’d all love you
and you them
But that could never be
Stepdad got me the job
bagging groceries
where I met her
without him
I wouldn’t have met her
without her
I wouldn’t have them
I cannot trade them for you
as a father
I know you understand
“I summed up thirty years of my life in less than 500 words. I was never sure if that was something to be proud of or ashamed of. This is one of the first pieces I wrote after 20-some-years of not writing. Truth is – always felt it was a little too personal to publish but I’ve gotten over that fear.”
Jason Melvin (he/him) writes words and takes pictures from Western Pennsylvania. His first chapbook of poetry, Wrong Things, is out from Bullshit Lit. You can find his published work at jasonmelvinwords.weebly.com or connect on Twitter @Jason5Melvin or IG @JasonMelvin5