The Lanchester Heights Leader, October 2022 Issue by N.H. Van Der Haar
Your Local Community News:
Protests have emerged after plans were revealed for a community mosque to be established at the top of King George Street in early 2025. The protestors, calling themselves the ‘Anti-Mosquers’, admitted while the majority of them be long deceased by early 2025, the group is concerned over the lasting legacy of Lanchester Heights.
The mosque’s construction will include the demolition of the old spoiled fruit warehouse where Lanchester Heights discounted jams were made, until World War II when the black sticky substance found better use as vehicle grease. A petition has being lodged with the local council.
After purchasing another painting from his niece, Otto Wensleydale is contemplating donating his art collection to the establishment of a community museum.
Larry Dirk of Hockney Road claims he will begin writing a memoir reflecting on his 25 years of life. He claims to have more time on his hands now having been fired from the Bottle-O outside the Lanchester Heights RSL.
In response to last week’s influx of poor-quality hair dyes, Irene Pattern’s beauty salon in Bismarck Road has requested the local community to: “kindly refrain from mocking clients’ choice of personal ornamentation”. When directly questioned, Mrs Pattern assured this newspaper that the offending hairdresser would be “fucking sorted out quicker than a shit-covered lizard down a damp bloody gutter”.
Vince Sullivan from the secondhand record store on Carp Road has suggested “Night on Bald Mountain” by Russian Composer Mussorgsky as ‘song of the month’. Mrs Sullivan also suggests “Year of the Cat” by Al Stewart.
Dispatches from the Watch:
Last month’s meeting of the Lanchester Heights Neighbourhood Watch Association was hosted at the Kidney Road Hotel. Watch Secretary Denice Weng announced attendance numbers doubled from last month. This is the first time attendance reached double digits since 1992 when Phil Kotsanas found marijuana in his neighbour’s backyard. Police did confirmed it to be a hedge of geranium. Once again, Mrs Weng kindly supplied this media outlet exclusive publishing rights to a summary of meeting minutes.
To combat fake news, Mr Nettleton suggested a ‘town crier’ could announce news and information to the Lanchester Heights community. President of the Funky Gibbon Theatrical Society, Edmond Van Nape, enthusiastically submitted himself for the role despite recent larynx surgery. Cedric Carmichael argued that, while Mr Van Nape is riveting in a piece of modern theatre, the role of town crier may require a more ‘salesman-like’ voice.
Watch Secretary Sylvia Whitehead was unable to hear Mr Van Nape’s hoarse, whispered response and has left this blank in meeting minutes. Mrs Weng thought some of the town crier’s time could be sold to local businesses for advertisements to raise funds. Ms Whitehead reminded everyone about the TV special last week about the negative role of advertising on media impartiality. The idea has been shelved until next meeting.
The death of Queen Elizabeth II has prompted discussion of the public stance the Neighbourhood Association should take on this issue. Myra Gove a fund be started for a statue of Her Deceased Majesty to be raised in the barbecue area at Scruff River Park. Mr Pier of Carp Road suggested that it sends the wrong message about the Watch, which has proudly labelled itself an egalitarian, equal organisation ever since Catholics were allowed to join in 1940, Jews in 1947 and women in 2020. Sufficed to say, this debate will rage on.
Mrs Weng wants to thank Kidney Road Hotel for a fun and wheelchair-accessible afternoon that included the hotel’s famous view of the Kidney Road Animal Pound. Next meeting will be lunch on January 10th at the Plastic Shrub Cafe. Any pressing Watch issues can be emailed to Mrs Weng’s nephew, Jacaranda.
Crime News:
Carmel Dunn (55) continues to be missing. The Bottle-O outside Lanchester Heights RSL have a large reward for information on someone they describe as “sadly their best customer”. Anyone with information is to contact Francis Dunn on Downes Avenue. Carmel was last seen: “… sprinting inebriated through Scruff River Park trying to kiss her reflection in the river”. Spokesperson for the Victorian Police announced they have begun the search for remains.
Mark Everett’s (39) “ugliest” cat was “murdered” two days ago. Mark suspects it was foul play and is attempting to contact the ‘crimes’ department of the RSPCA. Until then, Mark asks the guilty party to confess and buy him a “fresh” cat.
For the ninth time this year, Kosta Kotsanas (59) of has had his lemon tree stolen out of its pot in the front yard. Mr Kotsanas claims the thefts occur so frequently that there is a path forming in between his rose bushes.
Clint Giddish (74) host of the local radio station ‘FM190.8 Lanchester Radio’, attends that the weather lately has so been so good it could be criminal. After being pressed on the issue, the Victorian Meteorological Association chose not to respond to this accusation.
Arlene Lang (13) ran away from home again. Her mother is concerned because this time she disappeared for almost the entire afternoon. Her father however believes this is simply a phase that she’ll grow out of once she begins drinking and smoking. Anyone who sees Arlene wandering towards the freeway should encourage her to return home
Births, Deaths and Marriages:
The Buckler Sisters, Jenny and Monica, gave birth this month at Lanchester Heights Hospital. Jenny has added a daughter, Marla, to her family of five boys. Monica was blessed with twins Joyce and Steven, her sixth and seventh child respectively. These births increase the number of ‘Bucklers’ in Lanchester Heights to 64. Both ladies are recovering well back home. The fear some readers have of being outnumbered by the Buckler family should rest easy. This media outlet learned this should be the last of the Buckler children, at least until Jenny goes on another holiday to Bali next March.
Archambaud Vaughan (94) ‘Archie’ of Grange Boulevard died from a fall this month. A lifetime resident of Lanchester Heights, Archie was an electrician who also taught carpentry at the local community centre. Later in life he became social media famous as ‘climbing gramps’ for the outdoor rock-climbing hobby he shared with tech-savvy great-grandson Zander. Burial of what could be found by Victorian search and rescue is to be held at the Camborne Crescent Cemetery. In lieu of flowers instead Archie’s family ask you to “… like, rate and subscribe the socials”.
Malcolm Nape (80), proud life-member of the Lanchester Heights Neighbourhood Watch Association, died this month after being involved in a tragic car accident. Attendants are warned that now that the stranger’s Lexus has been washed and panel-beaten, after she hit Mr Nape outside the Lanchester Heights RSL. The murderer will be attending the funeral at St Gertrude’s Episcopal Church.
Leo Snedden (107). Nobody knew a ‘Snedden’ who lived in Lanchester Heights until this news outlet was informed of his death early last month. Our archives have no information on Mr Snedden either. The funeral will be held Sunday at Shovel Brother’s Funeral Home for any interested parties. We assume he will be missed.
Lanchester Heights Community Calendar: Save the Date!
October 31, 5pm - The Pervis Family on Spark Avenue is hosting another Annual Halloween Street Party. Come on down for some spooky, sensible fun. As always, this is a kid-friendly and alcohol-free event.
October 31, 10pm - Joe Garrity of Quinn Avenue is hosting another Annual Halloween Street Party. Despite council objections, Joe says he will continue his traditional 1am bonfire and promises discounted drinks for singles. Local band ‘The Fuck Police’ will be the headline act on Joe’s back-porch.
November 1st - The Skinned Goose Chinese Restaurant celebrates World Vegan Day. In response to last year’s debacle, proprietor Bart Crewdson has promised the vegan dumplings are now proudly bone-free and encourages this newspaper’s food critic to return this year.
November 19th - International Men’s Day at the Plastic Shrub Cafe on King George Street. Owner Noreen Coslowsky promises this “won’t be a trap like last time”.
November 26th - Scruff River Park Exotic Dog Club are holding another ‘breeding day’. This event promises Basset Hounds and Yorkshire Terriers. Members are required to bring all relevant documentation and are reminded once again that breeding is exclusively for the animals.
November 28th, 3pm - Lanchester Heights Book Club Meeting, anyone interested welcome to attend. This week’s book is the novelisation of Rocky II. Please bring your own drinks and nibbles. There, I made sure to put it in the ad this time, Janet.
December 4th - Hockney Street Butchers are holding their very own ‘Beef Day!’ which promises treats for the whole family, fun butchery classes for the kids and a complimentary loose handful of hot gravy with every ticket.
December 19th to 31st - Funky Gibbon Theatrical Society is performing their annual Christmas play again. Society President Edmond Van Nape warns that this year’s performance of A Christmas Carol has nudity and swearing and as a result may not be appropriate for the whole family.
December 25th - Once again, local shut-in Gideon Firestone welcomes everyone to his home on Bismarck Road to protest Christmas. He promises free sandwiches until he runs out of bread.
Editor’s Note:
For the most part, it’s been quiet in the picturesque paradise of plenty that is and always will be Lanchester Heights. I wish every one of our readers a profoundly pleasurable period until again we inform you of the comings and goings of Lanchester Heights next month.
Kindly and as always,
‘Confidimus te verum credimus’
Hughie Muldoon
President, Proprietor, Editor, Publisher and Senior Journalist of the Lanchester Heights Leader
“The reason I trashed it was because my parents have recently moved to a more rural suburb and I was teasing about the eccentric suburb we had previously grown up in.”
N.H. Van Der Haar is a Neurodivergent Australian writer currently completing a Masters. Before that they were a freelance stage manager. Previous work can be read at Antithesis Magazine, Otoliths Magazine and Aniko Press.